To all the hopeless romantics...

I read this comment on Facebook made by a friend's friend. This goes out to all of us, waiting for a thousand years... (chos!)

I know some day, somehow your hands will fit someone's and you would wake up with someone beside you who would smile at you the moment he opens his eyes and will kiss you and put his arms around you and he would thank God that you are with him.

It is a hopeful reality that he is just right there around the corner.

One of these days there will be someone who will fit your hands so perfectly. One who will take care of your heart; that the mere thought of hurting it will bring more pain to his heart that he will dare not do it. Your task now is to never stop in finding him. Until it is not the right one, refuse to give your love. Refuse to be in love alone. Then your life should be defined like this: To love and be loved or not love at all.

A stroll down memory lane...

I am the sentimental kind. I try to keep things that hold memories like how I tried to keep my intramural shirts from Grade 5 to high school. But while i was in Manila for college, my mom gave a few away! My grade 6, 3rd and 4th year shirts are what's left of them. She has always scolded me for keeping too much unnecessary things. 


While it is true that they are unnecessary, they too are significant. 


Yesterday, I was cleaning my stuff. Transferring them to another container- to accommodate more! haha As I sorted through them, it was a stroll down memory lane... 


Here are the stuff i found:

 Bunny Ears headband: China Trip with my high school friends last Feb 2011. Bunny ears since it was Year of the Rabbit. 

Chopsticks from Kenwyn right after her Korea trip, right?? hahaha

Chopsticks from Ate Tina for my birthday :) 

Scrapbook from COSCA family for my birthday :) 

My SGV notebook!!! haha with the notes pa ;) 

The giveaway given by Smart IA. This now contains my speaker. hehe I still use the bag btw...  

Hat from Ilocos during our first ever trip outside Manila :) The trip was with my blockmates in Ilocos on May 2011. 

 Pillow from Jason during our Manito Manita. I forgot the themeee!

This was also from Jason. Ardee, Erms and I had one each. If i remember it correctly, he won this at Timezone? And he got the biggest stuff toy??? 

Coin purse during our Dakak trip with high school friends last April 2010 :) 

 DLSU rosary!!! :)

My SGV stuff:  Training id, Raflympics pin, my atm card, my IDs :) I've kept them as souvenirs. 

COSCA pin: i had this during the strike at Ayala Ave.  

Tickets from our recent Hong Kong trip with Ardee, Erms, Jason, RK and Olive.  

Expo ticket and Dalian Ocean Park entrance ticket. This was during our trip to Dalian and Shanghai with Ate Esme, Sir Rex, Kuya Mark and Jejerome for Accenture. May 2010?? or June?? 

Gift from ms. Shiella, my SA for Lear. :)

Hair clip from Denneel. I miss you, Denneel!!! :) 

DLSU pin during our graduation! 

My to do list after the board exam. 

Christmas card from Bonbon and high school pictures!  

Giveaway during our China trip with hs friends.

Scrapbook form Vainacad when i  left Manila to return to Cebu, permanently. Miss you, girliesss :)

My first Halloween everrrrr

Halloween has been an annual event for my high school friends. We keep it private- as do other events we have. This year's the third. I was never part of the first two since i was still in Manila on 2009, and for some unknown reason, I was also in Manila last 2010. 


My first halloween experience was a blast! haha I TRIED to be Lady Gaga, but unfortunately, I didn't find any blonde wig! Next year, I shall try to do Lady Gaga justice. hahaha 


Here's a complete picture of the characters.

From Left: Franz as Diego, Wynne as Uncle Sam, Sherry as Dora, Taltal as Officer Yu, Rayleen as Mulan, Carlo as Pringles, Hannah as Amy Winehouse, Me as Lady Gaga (SUPER FAIL!!!) and Precious as Edward(a) Scissorhands


October 29-30, 2011

If you can turn back time, will you?

It takes a simple post on Facebook to disturb you- "If you can turn back time, will you?"


The first thing i thought of: In my 24 years of existence, as i recall the events in my life, I only have one regret, one which took place on 03/10/10. If I can turn back time, I'd go back to that day and take that chance away. I could have saved myself from all the torment. No matter how i plead for it, good memories may no longer be redeemed for they have been buried by cruelty.


But looking at the big picture, without that episode, i would have been the same person- closed and boring. It has taught me a lot indeed. It has changed me, for the better i believe. 


As i ponder on life, experience is good. Cliche as it may sound, it is the best teacher. And from my point of view, one should experience hell to identify what heaven is. Further, change is good; we learn to adapt for if we don't, we'd end up perished, but more importantly, we get to have a different experience, one that teaches us what to do and what not to do, a.k.a LEARN.


Thus, on second thought, if i could turn back time, i wouldn't change anything. 

My Last Goodbye

It is just sad that after everything i've done to you, this is what you do to me in return. I was really hurt. Grabe. You were the last person i thought of who could do that to me. I really thought highly of you. I was there at your lowest, and during the time at my lowest, you even step on me further. You told me yourself how i helped you on how you changed your perspective in life, even your friend did. Is that how you repay help? Just imagine. And i had to let it all go just like that. The person whom i thought of, is completely the opposite. I don't know what i've done to you for you to treat me that way. But i had to let it all go. 


I'm telling you this cause i never had the chance to... You never gave me one. Thank you.


And when the right time comes, when you have answers to my questions, please tell me cause i would really like to know. Thank you for the lessons. And now, i can say this sincerely, God bless you... 

:)

OMG, thank YOU for my friends =..) I'm am truly overwhelmed. They may be far, but they always look out for me :..) I want to cry!!! hahahaha Thank You, G :)

24

24. haha Akin to Adele's 19 and 21... gaya gaya!!!


24- I am officially old. haha Last year, i couldn't even celebrate being 23 simply because i felt old. A year has passed, but now, i am more excited to face life. I am a year older, a year wiser. And realizing that i should be happy for whatever i have now; for the people who care for me. It has been heart warming knowing they have my back always. Thank you, friends! You know who you are. :)


I have realized that for the past years, certain changes have been occurring in my life. At 20, I became a CPA; at 21, i worked (yeah, it's such a big deal for me); at 22, i fell; at 23, i was broken; and now that i will be turning 24, i am ready to face a new path, new challenges, new things! 


I am excited! And i only have the One to be thankful for... Thank YOU so much. I thought i wouldn't have done it, but i did. And it was all because of You! Now, i am ready for whatever You have to shower upon me, be it bad or good. Thank You, G! :) 


Surprise me, wow me! With Your grace, I am ready :)

Strawberry cheesecake

Girly

It's hard to be a girl- i'm sure any girl would agree. First, the female structure is more complex- leading to the second point, more maintenance on our daily endeavors. 

Regardless, I love it! I love being a girl and all its complications. :)

Thankful

     In my 23 years of existence, I have never been a religious person. I don't know, but i love Math and Science more than my C.E. classes during my elementary and hs days. Do not get me wrong, it is something that i am NOT proud of. I guess i just have a different belief of being religious. 

What is that belief? I think being religious is doing good deeds in one's daily life. Being the example and following His good deeds is being religious. 

I remember once my CE teacher in highschool said that not going to the church every Sunday is a sin. And until now, i've been asking the million dollar question: WHY??? 

Tell me to go to church every Sunday, tell me to pray the rosary everyday... Aren't those merely routines? And besides, I know a lot of people who go to church constantly and pray the rosary everyday, but they are the ones who commit unreligious things. I may have this weird belief, but i don't question those who are "religious." 

     However, no matter how unreligious i may be, I can confidently say that I AM FAITHFUL. I do believe in God and in all His ways. Faith for me is my relationship with Him. I may at times, miss to pray and speak with Him, but i make sure that whenever we talk, i keep it spiritual and sincere. 

It has been said in the Bible that God loves all His children equally. But I believe that He loves me more, and i know that He favors me! (HAHAHAHA!!! AKO NA ANG FEELER) - JOKE!!! :) But seriously, I really feel His presence in my life every now and then. It just amazes me when I think of doing something, and I end up with the opposite. Then i realize, the opposite is the good and right thing for me. Is amazes me that He let it all happen smoothly for me. Isn't that just an amazing and good feeling??

There are times when I lose faith and question the events in my life. But He never fails to amaze me. He makes me feel safe. Lord, I am a great fan. I am your tool to fulfill your purpose. I will always be thankful. 

ImPerfect.

Someone once told me that I don't need to be perfect. And at that time, i wanted to slap that person and say, "do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" HAHA. DUH. I KNOW THAT!!!

Knowing myself, I am far from perfect. And i don't intend to be one. I simply want to be the best that i can be. 

Best I can be. How do i even do that? So that is what i have to find out... 

The art of Letting Go...

I have read somewhere that letting go is letting things be. 

The excerpt goes something like:

"When you find yourself attached, remember that ‘letting go’ is not ‘getting rid of’ or ‘throwing away’. If I’m holding onto this clock and you say, ‘Let go of it!’, that doesn’t mean ‘throw it out’. I might think that I have to throw it away because I’m attached to it, but that would just be the desire to get rid of it. We tend to think that getting rid of the object is a way of getting rid of attachment. But if I can contemplate attachment, this grasping of the clock, I realise that there is no point in getting rid of it - it’s a good clock; it keeps good time and is not heavy to carry around. The clock is not the problem. The problem is grasping the clock. So what do I do? Let it go, lay it aside - put it down gently without any kind of aversion. Then I can pick it up again, see what time it is and lay it aside when necessary."

It is time to let IT go. And letting it go also means embracing one's 

present situation, 

one's fate. And so, i shall. 

The only thing hindering me from embracing this world is the experience of it all and realizing how good it is to be free. And the only thing failing me to let go, is the resistance to embrace that world, a world different from which i long for. 

It feels like I am nothing but a prisoner in this golden cage. But it is time to love this "haven" and embrace this life because I belong here. 

Unfaithfulness

There are a lot of things i don't understand in this world. One of those things is Infidelity. 

I do have issues when it comes to third-party relationships. As early as Grade 3, I have been exposed to unfaithfulness. I remembered locking myself in the bathroom and thinking how i could burn my father's mistress' house. I was young then; i didn't know where she lived. But i only have one thing in mind- burning her house down. Though i am not from a broken family, seeing my mother in pain, not just once, but countless times, I promised myself I will never be that home/relationship-wrecking person.  Aside from it being an imoral act, i know how hard it is to be caused by such pain. Thus, I ask the lord not to put me in that position.

Don't get me wrong, I do not judge people because they are paramours, but I just don't get why people are just do damn selfish and insensitive. Break up with him first you know before you go into something new with someone. It may hurt, but at least, you respected him by not two-timing and letting him look like a fool.

They say, "Love knows no boundaries." But shouldn't Love be kind and good, not just to the couple, but for those people around them? Love should not go beyond what is right and wrong for it to be kind and sincere, not just for the people around, but for the couple, and most especially God. 

Anyway, i wouldn't want to understand it, because understanding it would mean i have to be in that position. And i wouldn't want to be in that position. So i guess, there are just selfish people in this world. I'm not saying i'm not selfish. I can be selfish, but not to the point of stepping on other people. 

Point is: Live a life where you don't step on other people. 

Because I let you In.

Now i know why i'm having a hard time letting go. 

I have only a few friends- my highschool friends, college friends, friends from work. I am the type of person who doesn't easily let people in. And if i do, there are certain levels of where they stand. It hurts because i gave you access to everything. You had the superuser/root access. I opened up my life to you. And now, i'm having a hard time letting go. 

But in time, I will be okay. 

The End

There are a lot of things i want to say to you. But it doesn't and will not matter to you anymore. So i will just have to keep it all to myself and bury them as time goes by.


You are the first; and I used to believe, you are the greatest. I used to think of you as my soulmate. Thank you for everything. 


Farewell. 

To a new Beginning

I choose to be happy for others.

Repeat 1,000 times!

May 1, i shall start a new chapter of my life 

:(

I know i've said that i will try not to be angry anymore. But i can't seem to stop the hurt from coming back, over and over again.
Its just not fair. When you're there, all happy; i'm here, crying all over again, just like the first time. I don't want and am not asking for you to live the sorry and sad life. But am i really not worth the truth? You could've saved me from all the pain i'm having right now, but you didn't. And sorry is just not enough.


I do not want to question God, but it makes me ask, do i really deserve this?  I know i'm not the perfect person anyone can have and i know i have a lot of flaws, but do i really deserve all this pain i'm feeling right now? Ever since, I've been trying to live a fair life. I am not perfect, but i've been living a straight life- A life where i believe i've been understanding, generous and sensitive to others. And this is what i get? 


Everything i've done to you, pain is what you repay me.  And i question myself, is that all that i'm worthy of?


I just cant stop myself from being angry. Not with anything else but for causing me this much pain. 

People

There are two kinds of people in our lives. 1- those who go in and out are the types who are born with a purpose, and 2- those who stay with you are the types who are born for a purpose and stand up to that purpose.


Well, some people are born to make you cry, disappoint you, make you angry. And others are born to correct that mistake. 

Goodbye, Friend

After being angry, i woke up one day and realized i'm tired of all the drama and anger. I am thankful for all the things you've done to me and all the learnings i have gained. I do hope you learned a lot from me as well.


I just miss the friend i used to say stories to. I miss the times when I have someone to rant things about. And you'd just listen and sympathize.


But i guess, that person/friend is gone now. And I know I have to move on. But why is it so hard to do so? I wish and want for this dilemma to end soon...

Work in Progress

Got these pics from some tumblr account.. hehehe

Everyday, i think of you. I imagine how it is when we see each other again. And everytime i do, i think maybe i'm ready? But looking into your fb page once again, everything i built and building came crashing down. And you seem to take pride in it. 

I hope moving on is as easy as you've done it. I am a work in progress. 

But i know i can do it. I just hope i can do it as quickly as you did.

Holy Week

This year marks the most meaningful holy week i've had. The past years, holy week was just a normal week, only, establishments and the malls are closed and people usually go home to the provinces or somewhere having a vacation. This year, I have realized the significance of holy week. 

Having experienced pain, I can only imagine what kind of pain Jesus has received in saving us. And so, i should not fret for the pain i have does not even equal to that He made and shouldered for us. 

Thank you lord for saving us... And for whatever reason this is happening to me, I shall receive. With whatever You give, there is nothing that i cannot handle.

April 18

Today was like a roller coaster ride- up and down of mixed emotions, but mostly of hatred. Then, just like a roller coaster, there is that sudden halt. 

It is ones choice whether you ride that roller coaster again. 

Farewell

"I'm trying to understand everything that happened so that i can let everything go. But i guess you don't care anymore. I guess we no longer have any connection or what. But before anything else, i wish you feel the pain i felt, tenfold. And when that time comes, think of me and how you caused me that much pain. I tried to understand you moving on, but i cant move on knowing you cheated. the very moment i thought you were busy with work, i was waiting. But then, you were just busy with someone else. If hating you will be the way to forget you, then i will. Don't act as if you're the victim cause you made me this way. And lastly, for someone who claims to be religious and prays the rosary everyday, i don't know what kind of morals you hold. It just dawned on me that you are not the person i knew before or i thought i knew. And now, its just too late to realize that."

Everyday

It has been 2 weeks, but I still think of you a lot...
Why do i still care when you no longer do?


I really hope this ends soon.

April

I'm really looking forward to May since i'm really excited to visit my friends in Manila. I miss Manila!!!


But there are also things that i am looking forward on April. 
April 16- entrance exam!!! I really hope i get in :)
April 29- Prince William's wedding! hahaha

Here's me talking to myself

Haven't you had enough? Stop na. Save yourself some pride. Ubos na nga diba? sasagarin pa? Tama na! 

Respect yourself naman!

butterflies

Is this normal? I still think of you a lot... I still have that gut feeling of butterflies flying in my stomach.


When will i ever forget about everything? I hope this ends soon... despite everything that have happened, I still do care for you. And I understand. i just don't know and understand why i still think of you...


I hope everything will be alright soon :)

:)

The next time you call, i'll make sure i answer it :) hahaha!

Acceptance?

I am moody. I change my mood every minute! At one point, I am hurting; the next thing you know, Im actually happy for them. In other instances, I feel both. 


April 5- 10:29 PM. I hope this feeling never ends. This feeling of being happy for him. The feeling of freedom. Is this acceptance? I hope it is :)

Screwed up world we have!

A line from the Greys Anatomy S07 Musical episode which struck me:
"I mean, is there a reason for this because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers."- Meredith Grey

Apr 3

I've been hurt. It has been a week. Everything were so fast that i don't know how it all happened. 


I hate you, but at the same time, I sympathize. I don't know whether to dwell on anger or forgiveness, to fully heal. But then, i should expand my options to not caring. 


But how will i not care when every time i've spent with you was sincere. But then, that is really part of giving. When you give, you don't expect something in return. You care for someone because you're concerned and because of kindness perhaps? but when you do that, do not expect something in return. 


Perhaps this is the reason why i am having difficulty in moving; I am expecting all my efforts to be returned. But i am wrong. 


And so, I must move on without any expectations. 

djvkjvbj

I gave you everything i could offer, and you just threw it all.
I trusted you, and you just lied to my face.
I put you in a pedestal, and you just set me aside.


Now I know who you really are
But why am i still in despair?
When would I ever go on?

Tsunami

You build up on something for a long time, invest all your assets and time and emotions and soul. And in just 1 day, everything crumbles down. Parang Japan lang at tsunami.

Heart Attack??

Fingers are shaking, body trembling.


Oh my God, i never thought this will happen to me. Everything  I have thought of you suddenly vanished. 


Honesty is all i asked. I never expected anything. Is it really that hard to give considering everything i have given?


Is it really very easy to throw everything away?


Tama nga naman ang kasabihang "time is gold". The very minute we ended it, you have found another beginning. 


The painful thing were realizing that I never knew you and you were never worth the risk. And its even more excruciating because I let it all happen.

Hormones

Today was an emotional Sunday. And I blame it all on the hormones.
I just hate the way you treat me now. If this is what friendship is to you, then I don't need it. I don't need you. You just wiped out 12 months by just 2 hours (and counting.) 


I just hate you now. Again, blame it all to my hormones.

Chicken Pie!

Mother wanted me to bake chicken pie and so, i did.


I used the recipe of croissant for the dough and chicken ala king for the filling. Though the product was acceptable, this was just a wrong move! haha Next time, I will just use the Chicken Pie recipe. 


Here is the finished product. 

Stuck.

Does hurting mean moving on? If it does, then can I just forget everything and go back to time where you never existed?

I never did regret all of it. But i just don't know what to do. I'm confused. I'm stuck. And i just want to go on. I thought i have, but then why does it hurt a lot???

I thought i have passed all the pain, but why does it hurt like the first time? I thought I am ready and am moving on, but why am i stuck now??

On the road to recovery

The last 6 months was a drag for me. Except for the adventures and meet-ups with my friends, I have been bored to death.

"Bored to death"- now I know what that means and how it feels!

To conquer boredom, I have been learning new recipes and playing Sudoku! how loser is that? haha! But this is the perfect time for me to find myself and start anew. I need a boost! I need adventure. I have realized, I want to be free! I want to travel, I want to just spend time hanging somewhere else other than home. Because that is who i am- I am adventurous.

I have also decided to go back to school. I am naturally competitive and although i am tamad, my drive to learn new things is creeping up to me. and i think this is the only way i can achieve what i want and better myself.

I will be on the road to recovery.

Cupcake turned Mamon!

I tried baking Red Velvet Cupcakes, and it turned out to be Red Velvet Mamon! haha

But i enjoyed making the icing. This is my first time to bake after 6 years? And first time to make cupcakes. It may have sucked-haha- but i will try again until i perfect the moist one! 

Here are the end result.

Thankful. 5.25.2008

Thank God it's over. I am glad I’ve been through it all, the stress, depression, etc. But I would not want to go through it all over again.


Thank God for love, patience, encouragement, hope and faith.


Thank God for Family. It made all the difference.


Thank God for Friends. Thank you for giving me friends/colleagues who would tell me straight what should be done; who would not think of me as different and less-of-a-friend, despite our differing… tradition perhaps? or maybe how we were brought up, or maybe our different family structure/situations? It’s irrelevant. I will bring you with me forever!


Thank God for Happiness. Weeeeeeee! It’s only been 5 days, but it feels like it’s been weeks or even longer. Just loving every moment of it.


-posted May 25, 2008 via Multiply

Thoughts. 2.10.2008

A lot has happened the past 2 weeks. A friend passed away and…Graduation. How distant can two significant events be?

1.                                                                             

It is only now that I know what wakes are for. Wakes are done for us to realize how important someone is for us, and to process and get over the loss, the pain and anguish of not seeing him for a long, long time. A friend of mine died, but it felt as if a family member died.

When my grandfather passed away 4 years ago, I remembered it was not as shocking as this for he was old and sickly. It was expected. I felt that it was time for him to escape the problems, and experience the luxuries in heaven. But during the early times after he was gone, it was hard getting over the habits. His seat in the dining table, his room, and every time we arrive from Manila to greet our grandparents, we realize then that he’s no where.

I’ve known RJ for only 5 months. But those 5 months felt as if I knew him for years. Seeing him in cosca was a habit. His corny jokes, *apirs*, wazzups, innocence and he himself was a habit to us. It came as a shock. Receiving chico’s text, “RJ’s gone” and hazi’s text, “la na si Rj”, I was in shock. We all were. We were not that close and did not know him compared to his other friends, but he made an impact in our lives. We haven’t seen him the way they did and they haven’t seen him the way we did. Indeed, we’re all at a loss.

We can never hold on to someone, forever. But the most we can do is hold on to the memories. I will forever be grateful for the good things you’ve shown me, and the memories that we’ve shared. Rj’s demise made us realize many things. He came into our lives with a purpose or so…

Thanks, friend!

2.

I am now a graduate. I am now a member of the work force, but it seems to me that I am still a kid, who asks for allowance every month. I do not save because my mom pays for everything. Hehe. And if ever I work, I am still not paying for stuff…haha! But seriously, after 4 years of laughter, hardwork???, and most especially TEARS, It’s all over. IT’s Done! At last…

In Marvin’s speech last Feb. 7 during the CBE recognition rites, all were true. The memories, though all were tiring and tough, yet it never makes us regretful. Our memories as BSA students will always be fun! haha… Waiting at ALVA for our bundles of photocopy, “which causes the flash floods” in the country, though tiring, it was when friendships started among colleagues; Offering each other OTs most especially during the Review module. It was when strangers talked.

We were strangers at the beginning, not knowing that other Accountancy block existed. But at the end, we were all acquaintances, if not friends. Strangers did talk.

‘A life’ versus ‘A life without regrets.’ – Marvin Chua.

We all had a life without regrets, at least I do. I will never regret whatever things that have happened in my college life.

To my blockmates, who are my first friends in college, thank You for accepting me. (though cliché as it may sound, it’s true!) I love you, all! <3

To my classmates, who became my friends, Thank You!!! You’ve added spice to my life. (Naks! Ahahaha!)

To acquaintances, who continue to stop and say ‘HI’ ever once in a while, Thank you! You made me feel important! Haha (feeling? Hahahahaha)

And mostly,

To my COSCA Family, I will forever be indebted for helping and inspiring me to be what I am now. You’ve helped me develop and better myself. Thank you! <3

-posted February 10, 2008 via Multiply